A huge step in my personal growth process was learning how to embrace my inner bitch. Women oftentimes go through life trying to keep our good face forward while attending to the needs of others. Sometimes we just don’t feel like being so accommodating so we hide behind a wall of niceties and platitudes while seething inside because we are afraid of our true feelings. This behavior perpetuates cycles of self-denial until we really start to become aware of our inner seething.
A few years ago, I was caught up in a complicated relationship scenario with a man in my spiritual family. Shortly after our involvement abruptly ended, the man started seeing another woman within the same spiritual circle. Although the man would not talk to me directly, and I never felt I had any closure, he was more than happy to have his new woman battle me. Day after day we battled in front of my spiritual family while they helped us get through the process. Every time I had a minor breakthrough, I expressed superficial gratitude to her for helping me see it.
One day, one of the men in our group said, “Kerri, stop! You don’t appreciate her, you don’t love her, you are not grateful for her being in your life to help you understand your process. You are very similar. You are both passionate about your spiritual growth process, you are both intelligent, you are both outspoken and you both have attracted the same type of man. Admit that you wish she never stepped foot into your life!” I didn’t want to admit that. I wanted to see the good in the situation but was unwilling to admit to myself that I was really seething.
I realized that my friend was right. Rather than telling her how much I appreciated her, I just admitted that I hated everything about her presence in my life. This is when things started getting really good.
I calmed down, and realized that what I saw in her was my exact reflection and I had been fighting myself all along. From then on, I would not meet her attack and I validated everything she said about me as truth.
Eventually, she softened and we both realized that we were almost exactly alike. I had to embrace my inner bitch and let myself voice my true feelings. Once that happened, the thought of being a bitch no longer held power over me. I could allow myself to feel when something isn’t right and express that without worrying about how people perceive me. Now, if people think I’m a bitch so be it, the thought no longer holds any power over me. I find it amusing to witness when people try to insult me and become irritated because their words can not affect my peace of mind. Knowing you can be perfectly content while someone is trying to insult you is perhaps the sweetest revenge there is.
The woman and I are now very close. In fact, she is one of the few people who I completely trust. After the fighting stopped, the guy quickly dumped her, joined a cult, got someone pregnant and married to the mother of his new baby. Now I can honestly say I do love her I would not be who I am now without our experience. Embracing my inner bitch allowed me to see that no matter what I feel, it’s all okay and I just needed to accept it because in accepting it, I accepted myself.